Passing the Keeper Test

It is vitally important that a potential life partner be able to pass a few basic skills tests before you decide to embark on a long term serious relationship. Unfortunately there is a steep learning curve involved that took me awhile to grasp. My partners have had to pass muster in skills that have gotten progressively more difficult as I’ve matured. The guy I ended up keeping has had it the worst, of course. There was never an initial decision on my part that he must do this or that a certain way or get tossed back. No. It was more of an ongoing list of challenges as the options presented themselves over time.

Partner number one managed to get away with just being extremely sexy, gentle, and willing to take me away to our dream of a West Virginia homesteading adventure. This lasted about six years. My plans were to help him build our own off grid house, grow and store the food we needed, sew our clothes on my foot powered sewing machine, and in the end, make pottery for a living. Lots of things got in the way. Life does that. The house building turned out to be a lot harder than we thought, for one. Of all my brothers’ friends, the one I chose was the only one not a carpenter. He drove a truck, and made good money doing it, so he didn’t have to work away all the time. We lived on about $3000 a year for quite awhile back in the 70’s. Building a house is not easy without electric tools and only a chainsaw for sawing and it takes at least two people. It is really helpful if one of them has actual experience. Using hand tools slows the whole process down considerably and the long hike up our steep hill to the house site did not help. Porch sitting was way too inviting. And then there was hay to cut, weeds to pull, water to haul, goats to milk, clothes to wash, a million chores to do. As time wore on and trials got harder we started to fail. He had a hard time accepting help from others and then, with a new baby, I was way too busy. House building is not a one person job, heavy lifting requires help. All the responsibility of the new baby fell to me and the house building progress slowed down with no one seeming to be driving. We eventually gave up.

My second partner was proficient in building with stone and wood and could even do electrical work so he seemed promising, at first. I fell for him in a big way when he presented me with a porch full of milk crates neatly filled with dry kindling for the woodstove. Unfortunately, it was all downhill from there. We never managed to get further than the first few courses of foundation block on our house building venture. We grew and sold organic produce and worked ourselves to death for very little pay. Luckily we had free rent on an old log house next door and only small bills. We borrowed money for a drilled well but it ended up being needed for a lawyer when he got busted selling pot. Two more babies entered the picture and hot running water was still a dream of mine. We hauled water from the pond and heated it on the stove for baths and used the wringer washer on the porch for laundry. I washed all the diapers this way and it was a step up from the wash tubs and scrub boards I had used before. Then we had to borrow money against the land. He didn’t work steady enough to keep us going and didn’t want me to earn more than he did. I was finally learning how to make my opinions heard and that did not go over so well. I managed to land a job as a cook at a conference center making decent money. When he got ugly, I called it quits.

My third partner is finally a keeper. We started off a lot slower. He led

me through my first caving adventure, and being somewhat claustrophobic, that was a feat in itself. He bought me my own mountain bike so we could ride together. We long distance dated for two years with him driving 165 miles down to my place in Virginia two or three times a month. He would get up really early on those Monday mornings and drive all the way to D.C. for work.  He has managed to hold the same good paying job for over twenty five years, which is amazing to me. I get bored and have to change jobs every few years. While staying over one weekend he opened my chest freezer to fetch out the ice cream and came face to face with an entire pig head, unwrapped. It didn’t faze him- much anyway. I was keeping it for making scrapple with later. This was a good sign he might be keeper material. The, in the early morning hours of one Monday he poured himself a bowl of cereal and after eating it for awhile, and his eyes finally focusing, realized there were things moving in there. Meal worms had hatched and were eating their way through. It was an old box of something that the kids didn’t like and had been hanging around way too long. Long expired. He took that pretty well too, although he was careful to check his food from then on.

As time wore on and chores needed to be done around my place I managed to get him to help out some. He had never really had animals, except a cat, and I have always had plenty. Horses, dogs, chickens, milk goats, a cow, veggie and fruit gardens, geese, rabbits, ducks, you name it. At this stage I had three horses and the kids were learning to ride so I was building a riding ring. I had over a hundred fence posts and all the oak boards I needed from a fence moving project at the farm where I had worked for three years. Otherwise, there was no way I could have afforded to build it. We had to hand-dig 90 holes, set and tamp all the posts, and nail in two rows of oak boards.  It was not a quick project. Digging the holes with post hole diggers requires upper body strength and causes blisters until you get used to it. There are only so many holes you can do per day or weekend so it went on for awhile. We managed to also have fun caving and hiking in, between too. This was a pretty major test of his willingness to help me do a big job though, and he passed with a good attitude, even though he was not even into horses.

Partners that are destined for the long haul will be able to pass these basic skills tests. They will be open to new ideas and new directions. They will be supportive when you decide to suddenly change course and go back to school. They will try and understand when you feel the need to change careers or start a new business.  They will forgive you for making them get off the couch. They will help you with your self inflicted chores. They will be willing to play when you get those chores done. They will take you places you might not have gone alone. We now live in a real house that we changed to suit us, we garden and keep a horse and chickens and some bees. We both work hard but we play harder. The kids have their own families and are doing fine. Live is good.

When you find a partner who is willing to help you in your projects, who has an open mind and will support you and your changing plans for your life, grab him (or her) and hold them tight. Third time was a charm for me but I hope others learn faster than I did. It is great to finally have a supportive, ambitious and forgiving partner.

Wendy lee- writing at  https://www.edgewisewoods.com